the new plan

I have been working very hard to incorporate my new lesson learned (about not being a counselor). It has been freeing and feels pretty gosh darn good to focus on what my actual job is. I have been able to get so much more done. For example, I received a call from a client's mother the other day. She called to talk because she was worried that her son seemed pretty depressed about his case. In the past, I would've returned that call. We wouldn't have talked about anything closely related to my job. It would have taken an hour to get her off the phone. Under my new rules, I haven't called the mother back and allowed her to dump her worries on me--because I am not her counselor. Instead, I used that time to keep new charges from being filed against this client. Emotional mess avoided. Job objectives completed. What a wonderful thing.

on being a public defender and not a counselor

I've often told people that if I hadn't become an attorney, I would have become a counselor. It seems that while having become an attorney, I never really gave up on being a counselor either. I have around 70 cases currently open, and I've been trying to be more than a counselor-at-law for my clients. This has been problematic. I do not have the time, energy, or emotional capacity to help my clients deal with their emotional problems along with their legal ones. But there I was, chugging away, trying to do both jobs even though I was only appointed by the courts for one. Investing myself emotionally into the outcome of every case is no way to practice law or to live I found out. I can't do it anymore. And I won't. So there.

growing pains

Over the last couple months, I have been really struggling with aspects of my job and career. Perhaps the most difficult to come to terms with was realizing that the institution for which I work is (significantly) less than perfect. Recently, I have seen my "firm" act very unprofessional more than once--within the company and dealing with the larger legal community. This was disastrous to me because when I started my job, I attached my career and identity as a lawyer with my firm. I was very happy to be working there and willing to support all its ideals. I was so excited when I received the job offer that I turned down everything else.

It all came crashing down around the end of February, making me start to look for other work. Last weekend, though, I made the decision not to leave my firm. While my firm may not be perfect, I love doing criminal defense work for people who really need my help, and I can't do that anywhere at at the present time. I did, however, make some important promises to myself. I will no longer identify myself as "someone who works for [my firm]." I am my own lawyer. I am going to treat my life as a lawyer as MY career, not something that I'm giving to my firm. They can't have it, because they don't deserve it. It is also not the way I should manage my career if I want it to be life-long and fulfilling.

After I made that decision last weekend, I have started enjoying my job again. I do love being a public defender.

Ironically, while I was exploring my options, I received an offer--unsolicited--from a prosecutor in my county to work with him prosecuting for a local police department.

my first trial

and first Not Guilty.

I am so glad my first trial is out of the way. I had my first client that insisted on a trial and did not cave minutes before the trial was supposed to start and plea out. Not that I think less of people who take a deal. It is waaaay less stressful to take a deal than have a full blown trial. And, let's face it, more often than not the prosecution can prove that some crime happened. (Ever really looked through your state's penal code? More things than you think are defined as criminal behavior by the state legislature. Not to mention that the presumption of innocence is all but dead.) And when the prosecution offers to continue the case and then dismiss it if you haven't committed any other crimes during a specified period of time, it places all control into your hands. Don't commit a crime; don't get convicted with the present charge. Not a bad thing to consider.

Anyway, this client was willing to take the chance of conviction for a chance to walk out of the courthouse "a winner" (his words). I was happy to oblige. After a little over an hour, and the judge sustaining all the prosecution's objections, I was shocked to hear the words "not guilty." And so was the prosecutor.

Not a bad way to start the week.

the many faces of humanity

There are days when I am reminded of how much I love my clients. Today is one of those days. This morning I kept a man out of jail and as we were leaving the courtroom, he was grateful and sad that our contact was coming to an end. He promised to bring coffee for the legal assistants to say thank you. He is my first client to actually dress for court in a suit and tie (with these crazy woven, pointy toed, and tasseled loafers). Then, this afternoon, I spent 20 minutes discussing a DWI case with a man who was freaking out that the maximum sentence he could receive included jail time. When I told him I had never seen anyone go to jail for a first offense DWI, you would've thought that I had given him a million dollars (even after telling him that there was a possibility of jail). It is easy to forget that contact with the criminal justice system is terrifying for many people. Their gratitiude for helping them through unknown territory is incredibly rewarding. Just another day when I'm reminded that I love my job.

On a totally unrelated note, is anyone else completely repulsed by this new Wii game where people live lives through avatars while sitting on their couch? I know there are things like Second Life out there, but the commercials of women lounging on the couch living their life through a Nintendo is freaking me out a little. I mean, pretending to fish for hours? Dude.

"fair" is a four-letter word

My first trial turned into my first plea. Not too shocking as the prosecutor promised to attempt to impose the suspended sentence my client had from almost 2 years ago.

But seriously, there was no crime committed, and I haven't just drank the kool-aid. If not for my client's record (which is really not that bad), the prosecutor said he would have just dismissed the charges. If not for the record, the officer on the scene probably would not have manufactured this charge in the first place. If only the prohibition on using propensity arguments and unfair prejudice applied outside the courtroom!

It's funny that the only question people tend to ask public defenders is how we defend "criminals" and still sleep at night. Just once I would like to be asked how we deal with innocent people being convicted. That seems to be the more substantial issue.

too many firsts

I really do love being a lawyer. I love helping people. I love challenging myself. I love the human dynamics that blossom in front of me. I do not love, however, the steep learning curve I'm currently climbing (or perhaps falling down). My first client turned into the first client I couldn't get in touch with till the last minute which turned into my first client with suspended jail time and suspended fines just waiting to be imposed which turned into my first client that didn't actually do what he is charged with which has now turned into my very first trial. Tomorrow morning. It makes me want to crawl under my desk and pretend the whole world doesn't exist.

It also doesn't help that I have the best mentor for my first year. I mean, he's great. Been here longer than just about everyone--pushing 2 decades as a PD. Which is great because he knows everything, but it also sucks because he knows everything. This afternoon when I showed him my directs and crosses for tomorrow, he looked at me and said things like "just have fun with it" and "just talk normally." And I'm not even going to tell you about his facial expressions as he read them. First, under no deranged perspective could I have fun tomorrow. If I make it through without going into shock, I'll consider it a success. Second, I was just talking normally!! Am I that displaced from real life? I thought I was still a normal person, but maybe, while I wasn't paying attention, I turned into one of "those" lawyers. Dear God, please let it not be so.

So, really. It's hugely unfair for me to be compared with one of the state's best PDs for my first trial. Seriously. Unfair.