dear judges,

I know that you don't like it when I file motions to reconsider. So, I have a suggestion to help you do away with these pesky documents:

STOP VIOLATING MY CLIENT'S CONSTITUTIONAL RIGHTS

I know it's hard to believe, but it truly is that easy. If you would refrain from changing my clients' sentences at review hearings when no new charges or probation violations are filed, I promise to stop filing motions requesting you that you fix your *large and glaring* mistakes.

Because we all know that you are just going to deny my motions, causing me to habe your asses. This is work I don't want to have to make time for. I will, however, because you piss me off. Plus, I love it when another judge makes you do what I want (which, consequently, was the right thing to do anyway!!). And yes, that look I give you after is one of "I told you so."

Which sometimes makes all the extra work worth it.

a public defender's best friend

One of my least favorite things is that I can't bring my coffee into court in the morning. So, in the past, I would prepare a steaming cup of delicious goodness and only get to drink a little of it on my drive to court each morning. I would go inside, leaving my brew in the car. Then, after handling however many cases I had, I would walk back to my car looking for a little jolt, a little friendliness . . . only to find what was once awesome and spirit-lifting to be cold and unappealing. An almost full cup of coffee wasted each morning.

Along comes my new favorite mug--the Thermos Element 5. It can keep coffee (or whatever) hot for up to 8 hours. Who knew that vacuum-sealing could be so important. Now, no matter how bad things have gone in court that day, I can walk back to my car and look forward to the coffee that is just waiting to console me as I drive back to my office.

It is a beautiful thing. A small, somewhat insignificant thing perhaps. But I would venture a guess that it made my life about 5% happier, which is nothing to sneeze at.

side effects of being clean

As many of my colleagues do, I keep hand sanitizer in my car and use it after leaving the jail or prison. I don't have a huge car or much storage in my vehicle, so I only have a small container.

And I don't just have the Purell variety. I like the girly smelling ones from places like Bath & Body Works. I currently have a vanilla-scented one purchased during the Christmas season. It makes me happy.

My fiance, of course, doesn't go into the jails and prisons with me, but every time we ride in my vehicle, he has to use the hand sanitizer. Recently, right before walking into a Costco, he applied some to his hands--the smelly vanilla kind. We then walked into the store and began browsing when he turned to me and whispered,

"Wow. Some people really like to spray themselves down with perfume."

Not having smelled heavy fragrance, I cocked my head and looked at him confused (you know, like you're dog does when you try to explain discovery rules to her). Then it dawned on me, and I smiled as I said,

"Really? Why don't you smell you hands and then say that again?"

Upon smelling his hands, he realized that he was the offender, not the sweet older woman who walked by. That'll teach him to use up all my hand sanitizer. :)

unfortunate misconception

Client: I think I forgot to show up for my court date last year.

Receptionist: Do you remember who your attorney was? I can transfer you to them to help you get that figured out.

Client: I was hoping you could just check to see if my bench warrant had expired yet.

Love it!!

difficulties ahead

I just published a draft post below that I wrote about a month ago about how I am trying to leave my job as a public defender. I hadn't decided to post it until today. I wrote it thinking that I would get things off my chest and feel better. Then, I thought I would feel better and not need to post it.

I was wrong.

I still feel that way. Taking stock of my life on the traditional day that we do so in this country (and around the world), I still want a new job. A few years ago, on New Year's Eve, I spent the evening with 2 girlfriends being snowed in in one of the smallest towns in the country. So small that we went out to the town green at midnight with all our dogs, wished the town a happy new year each with our own bottle of champagne, and no one else was around. I was so peaceful . . . and snowy. It was beautiful.

My favorite part of the evening, however, was when we reflected on the past year month by month. A bit arbitrary to split things by month, but it was mostly about themes and larger events. I was able to remember what I was going through each month and see whether I'd learned anything from the experience (sometimes yes, sometimes no).

Tonight, I wanted to renew that tradition with myself, but I can't remember anything from the past year except:
1) I've worked every vacation I've tried to take this year.
2) I've worked to the point where all my hobbies have faded.
3) I can see nothing but stress.
4) I can't watch movies that are sadder than Disney movies anymore because I get too much "real" life in my career.

This is not how I envisioned my life. When I mentioned my decision to leave criminal defense work to a good friend, he couldn't have been happier for me. I've known this person for a decade, and he commented that he has never seen me more miserable than I have been in the past year. It's too bad he didn't have a crystal ball before I took a job at the public defender's so he could warn me. Would I have listened? Probably not, I suppose.

So, what can I learn from this? I don't really know yet. I do know that I don't want to swear off criminal work entirely, but I am ready for a new challenge.

If I could just find some way to get over the terrible legal job market . . .

burnout

I recently decided that I cannot continue to be a public defender. The job is not a legal one, but one designed more for social work--social work without any resources to actually help people. I cannot tell you then number of times I wake up disappointed that I have to live through another day, being over-worked and accomplishing nothing. I feel frustrated and angry at myself that I can't do this job. I really wanted to do this and do it well. But I won't do it at the expense of the rest of my life.

Yes, I could change the way I practice. I could cut most of the social work out of what I do. I could attempt to humanize my clients less with the prosecutors and judges. I could deal strictly with legal issues that come up in my cases. I've reflected on that and determined that this would not make things any better. I've done the social work aspect of this job. I've seen the good things that can come from it, like getting a no-time misdemeanor plea out of a felony charge that comes with a minimum sentence of a year in jail. If things like that are possible, shouldn't I attempt to do that for all my clients? If I don't, am I not partially playing judge? Yes, this client deserves my time and attention, but that one over there doesn't. I am so far from being able to do that. One person should not be more deserving of my time than another.

I've heard that over time you begin to see which cases really deserve your time and attention and which ones don't. But I've had cases that looked impossible and pointless that turned out to be different than they first appeared because I did the extra social work. I never expect to be good enough to develop any e.s.p in this area.

So there it is. I haven't resigned yet, but I dream about it every day. Every day I make new contacts and work towards my next job.

*danger ahead*

Be afraid asserting constitutional rights. Be very afraid.

Today, I was yelled at by a judge for asserting my client's right to confront witnesses guaranteed by both the state and federal constitutions. There was an emergency hearing today to take my client away from his family and send him to jail two days before Christmas. The State had no witnesses to back up its charges. I was just doing my job putting things on the record (the judge only glared at me and took no notes as I made my arguments, so I realized I was speaking only for the record). I couldn't even get through my sentence before the Judge told me I was being disingenuous and blamed the lack of State's witness on me. Somehow it was my fault that the witness couldn't come to the emergency hearing which had practically no advance notice.

It's too bad I didn't learn my lesson and plan to continue to assert my client's rights in this judge's courtroom in the future.

It's also too bad that I had to cry with a boy and his family split right before the holidays.

i wish i was making this up

This morning I was watching video arraignments while waiting for my client's case to be called. The second individual to be arraigned was warmly greeted by the judge: "It's so nice to see you again, Mr. X. Wasn't our last arraignment together just last Thurs or Fri?" So, I thought I would listen as the arraignment promised to be interesting.

I was not disappointed.

The charge was Receiving Stolen Property. The State asked for cash bail in an amount I knew the defendant would not be able to post, relying on the fact that Mr. X committed the alleged offense while on bail for a Possession of a Controlled Drug charge from last week. (The judge was correct; she had just seen him. Last Friday, actually.) Presented with this request, the judge took a moment to read the Gerstein affidavit. Her response? "Attorney? Is this affidavit for real?"

The following unfolded to reveal the story behind the charge:

An officer was on patrol, walking up the street, when he was confronted by an individual wishing to report a crime. It seems that the individual had given Mr. X some money (less than $100) and asked him to purchase some drugs for him. Mr. X had taken the money, and the individual thought Mr. X would procure the drugs for him. Unfortunately, Mr. X failed to deliver, and the individual--drugless--went to the first officer he saw to report his status as a victim.

The officer, doing his best to uphold the law, searched Mr. X and found a sum of money less than what the victim stated he gave him but decided to arrest him anyway.

The State, knowing they would have a hard time proving a theft charge, charged Mr. X with Receiving Stolen Property.

What happened with the "victim's" confession to attempting to purchase drugs?

Absolutely nothing.

the new plan

I have been working very hard to incorporate my new lesson learned (about not being a counselor). It has been freeing and feels pretty gosh darn good to focus on what my actual job is. I have been able to get so much more done. For example, I received a call from a client's mother the other day. She called to talk because she was worried that her son seemed pretty depressed about his case. In the past, I would've returned that call. We wouldn't have talked about anything closely related to my job. It would have taken an hour to get her off the phone. Under my new rules, I haven't called the mother back and allowed her to dump her worries on me--because I am not her counselor. Instead, I used that time to keep new charges from being filed against this client. Emotional mess avoided. Job objectives completed. What a wonderful thing.

on being a public defender and not a counselor

I've often told people that if I hadn't become an attorney, I would have become a counselor. It seems that while having become an attorney, I never really gave up on being a counselor either. I have around 70 cases currently open, and I've been trying to be more than a counselor-at-law for my clients. This has been problematic. I do not have the time, energy, or emotional capacity to help my clients deal with their emotional problems along with their legal ones. But there I was, chugging away, trying to do both jobs even though I was only appointed by the courts for one. Investing myself emotionally into the outcome of every case is no way to practice law or to live I found out. I can't do it anymore. And I won't. So there.

growing pains

Over the last couple months, I have been really struggling with aspects of my job and career. Perhaps the most difficult to come to terms with was realizing that the institution for which I work is (significantly) less than perfect. Recently, I have seen my "firm" act very unprofessional more than once--within the company and dealing with the larger legal community. This was disastrous to me because when I started my job, I attached my career and identity as a lawyer with my firm. I was very happy to be working there and willing to support all its ideals. I was so excited when I received the job offer that I turned down everything else.

It all came crashing down around the end of February, making me start to look for other work. Last weekend, though, I made the decision not to leave my firm. While my firm may not be perfect, I love doing criminal defense work for people who really need my help, and I can't do that anywhere at at the present time. I did, however, make some important promises to myself. I will no longer identify myself as "someone who works for [my firm]." I am my own lawyer. I am going to treat my life as a lawyer as MY career, not something that I'm giving to my firm. They can't have it, because they don't deserve it. It is also not the way I should manage my career if I want it to be life-long and fulfilling.

After I made that decision last weekend, I have started enjoying my job again. I do love being a public defender.

Ironically, while I was exploring my options, I received an offer--unsolicited--from a prosecutor in my county to work with him prosecuting for a local police department.

my first trial

and first Not Guilty.

I am so glad my first trial is out of the way. I had my first client that insisted on a trial and did not cave minutes before the trial was supposed to start and plea out. Not that I think less of people who take a deal. It is waaaay less stressful to take a deal than have a full blown trial. And, let's face it, more often than not the prosecution can prove that some crime happened. (Ever really looked through your state's penal code? More things than you think are defined as criminal behavior by the state legislature. Not to mention that the presumption of innocence is all but dead.) And when the prosecution offers to continue the case and then dismiss it if you haven't committed any other crimes during a specified period of time, it places all control into your hands. Don't commit a crime; don't get convicted with the present charge. Not a bad thing to consider.

Anyway, this client was willing to take the chance of conviction for a chance to walk out of the courthouse "a winner" (his words). I was happy to oblige. After a little over an hour, and the judge sustaining all the prosecution's objections, I was shocked to hear the words "not guilty." And so was the prosecutor.

Not a bad way to start the week.

the many faces of humanity

There are days when I am reminded of how much I love my clients. Today is one of those days. This morning I kept a man out of jail and as we were leaving the courtroom, he was grateful and sad that our contact was coming to an end. He promised to bring coffee for the legal assistants to say thank you. He is my first client to actually dress for court in a suit and tie (with these crazy woven, pointy toed, and tasseled loafers). Then, this afternoon, I spent 20 minutes discussing a DWI case with a man who was freaking out that the maximum sentence he could receive included jail time. When I told him I had never seen anyone go to jail for a first offense DWI, you would've thought that I had given him a million dollars (even after telling him that there was a possibility of jail). It is easy to forget that contact with the criminal justice system is terrifying for many people. Their gratitiude for helping them through unknown territory is incredibly rewarding. Just another day when I'm reminded that I love my job.

On a totally unrelated note, is anyone else completely repulsed by this new Wii game where people live lives through avatars while sitting on their couch? I know there are things like Second Life out there, but the commercials of women lounging on the couch living their life through a Nintendo is freaking me out a little. I mean, pretending to fish for hours? Dude.

"fair" is a four-letter word

My first trial turned into my first plea. Not too shocking as the prosecutor promised to attempt to impose the suspended sentence my client had from almost 2 years ago.

But seriously, there was no crime committed, and I haven't just drank the kool-aid. If not for my client's record (which is really not that bad), the prosecutor said he would have just dismissed the charges. If not for the record, the officer on the scene probably would not have manufactured this charge in the first place. If only the prohibition on using propensity arguments and unfair prejudice applied outside the courtroom!

It's funny that the only question people tend to ask public defenders is how we defend "criminals" and still sleep at night. Just once I would like to be asked how we deal with innocent people being convicted. That seems to be the more substantial issue.

too many firsts

I really do love being a lawyer. I love helping people. I love challenging myself. I love the human dynamics that blossom in front of me. I do not love, however, the steep learning curve I'm currently climbing (or perhaps falling down). My first client turned into the first client I couldn't get in touch with till the last minute which turned into my first client with suspended jail time and suspended fines just waiting to be imposed which turned into my first client that didn't actually do what he is charged with which has now turned into my very first trial. Tomorrow morning. It makes me want to crawl under my desk and pretend the whole world doesn't exist.

It also doesn't help that I have the best mentor for my first year. I mean, he's great. Been here longer than just about everyone--pushing 2 decades as a PD. Which is great because he knows everything, but it also sucks because he knows everything. This afternoon when I showed him my directs and crosses for tomorrow, he looked at me and said things like "just have fun with it" and "just talk normally." And I'm not even going to tell you about his facial expressions as he read them. First, under no deranged perspective could I have fun tomorrow. If I make it through without going into shock, I'll consider it a success. Second, I was just talking normally!! Am I that displaced from real life? I thought I was still a normal person, but maybe, while I wasn't paying attention, I turned into one of "those" lawyers. Dear God, please let it not be so.

So, really. It's hugely unfair for me to be compared with one of the state's best PDs for my first trial. Seriously. Unfair.

progress

Sooo . . . I passed the bar!! Despite my previous post, I suppose this is what makes me a real lawyer. (Although, I may say this again after I get sworn in.) With this behind me, I have a confession to make. I was shitting bricks because I was so scared I wasn't going to pass. I know; I know. EVERYONE shits bricks. EVERYONE is scared they won't pass. Unlike me, however, most people probably studied con law, corps, agency/partnership, family law, and conflicts of laws. I hate that I put myself through such stress because I didn't study. I am an idiot!! But, at least it's over, and I got my happy ending.

Had my first in-office client interview today--juvenile case involving spray paint. Client completely took responsibility for his actions. Then I spoke with the prosecutor--my first time discussing a deal with a prosecutor--who decided my solution, which included dropping the charges, worked for him. Not a bad way to start things. Totally a dream world, but I'm okay with that.

my first case

That's right. I'm a real lawyer now. I just got my first case this morning with my very first trial date.

Right on.

the good and the less good

So, I love my new job. I know, I know. It's really early--I only started a week and a half ago--but all signs point to my future happiness. I have an unbelievable amount of leeway to practice law the way I want, yet I will get any support I ask for. It's a little overwhelming getting into the swing of things, but I have no complaints yet which is more than I expected. My new office is awesome. I have a nice view of the woods and there is great afternoon sun. I have started picking out which art work I will display to keep the comfortable, laid-back feel. Things are good in this area.

On the less good side of my life, I am effing lonely, and it sucks. I don't really know anyone here, and I'm so exhausted by the time I get home every night that there is no energy for me to explore other parts of my life like being social. My pup is lucky if I have enough energy to take her out to play 2xs in the day. I know it will get better, but the growing pains are, you know, kinda painful. It doesn't help that my law school friends either have too much going on to spend time on the phone or aren't returning my phone calls. Sigh. This too shall pass, but can't it pass soon?

mad woman

I have been recently watching the t.v. show "Mad Men" in the background of taking practice MBE questions. I know that everyone is supposed to love this show, but it was really nothing special until I got to episode 9 this afternoon. The ending with Mrs. Draper in her backyard shooting at pigeons with a cigarette hanging out of her perfectly lipsticked mouth was enough to make me want to finish the season.

Well done, Mrs. Draper. Well done.

things that suck your blood

I love my dog. She is truly amazing. Very smart and loving. I could go on, but I would probably lose everyone before I felt I had done her justice. So, the point. This morning, while waking up to greet a day full of Torts studying, I roll over to give my pup a good scratch behind the ears and find--dear god!--a tick in her ear.

I don't "do" ticks. I mean, other things that like my blood are mostly okay: mosquitoes are mainly just annoying, leeches are creepy but easily avoidable, vampires seem kinda kinky to me (could be fun), but ticks . . . they are another story altogether. Those creepy legs always moving and tucking themselves close to the body. The awful straw mouth that's almost impossible to get completely out, necessitating a trip to the doctor or vet. Their general invicibilty to any harm I try to inflict upon them. The tiny, beady head that can detach from its body. [Shudder] It is not okay. I mean, once I got the tick off, I immersed it in water. For a long time! Yet, when I went back to check for identification purposes, I pulled it out of the water, and it slowly came back to life. It had been under water for more than 5 minutes!!! Where's death when you actually need it?

Then it got worse because I had to check myself. I have no idea what I would have done if I had found a tick on me. I probably would've passed out. Seriously.

That's it. I may be giving up the outdoors for forever now.